The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
