I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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