i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
