so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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