You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
