I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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