tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
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I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son