I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.