I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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