I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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