There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Less talking, more tequila
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
