I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
