I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
