Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
