don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
