I like my sex mixed with concussions.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
