I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You have to summon your inner elephant
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
