Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
