hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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