Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
