she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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