And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
