around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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