Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
