If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
