Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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