The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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