She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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