On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
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when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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