nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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