Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
