I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
