I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
