I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
