my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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