Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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