If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
