sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
