Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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