Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
