I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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