ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
