Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
