As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
