Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
