all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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