we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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