Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
