my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
