I bet he comes in French.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
