Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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