i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
