I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
