And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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