I want to walk on stilts...naked
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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