My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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