I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
