she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
